Testing Testing 123

COMPUTER CRASH! Bad day today, as you may have already ascertained. My computer decided to catch a few bugs and is under the weather. So no new pictures of the "Daily Find" today. Hopefully the ol' guy will be doctored tomorrow, and I'll be up and running again tomorrow.

I'm on my husbands laptop--The slugs are courtesy of John Doe, one of his recent caving trips. Computer or not every blog needs a little color--This is stressful. I am so paranoid that he will find my "Uncensored Mind" and then I would lose my freedom to write what I wish without trying to sugar coat things. It's interesting the way we are as humans. We go throughout our lives looking for meaning, for truth, for sincerity from others.... Yet we spend so much time hiding that truth. We hide the things we think others will fear or disapprove of, the things that are considered to be socially wrong... The list of things we hide is endless, and the list of why we hide them is longer. So just for fun I am going to divulge something I hide from others at the end of my posts.
Numero Uno- I shaved my head, then followed that with purple hair dye when I was 15. I looked like a boy and was often referred to as "the little brother". The only thing my mom said was "at least you have a nice shaped head." I thought that I was a "punk rocker", when in reality I was just.... Stupid. The End.


Anonymous said...

I wrote this in my blog earlier today, and felt you could probably appreciate it, I know ED is something I definately hide...

I feel like im ED's mistress. I will do anything to please ED, I starve myself, I lie, I manipulate, I hurt the ones I love, and I do it all for ED. I long to be finally good enough, perfect enough, but everyday he only wants more of me. I am at his beck and call, he tells me when to eat and when not to eat, he tells me what kind of day i will have as we both scrutinize my body in the mirror. I crave to be loved by him, its like only he can fulfill that need, and so I seek that perfection, I cling to the hope if I try hard enough, exercise more, eat less, deny myself of everything I will finally win ED's love.

But everyday he finds flaws with me. My ankles are too fat. Those jeans aren't loose enough. I ate 6 crackers instead of 5. Every day I hear him whisper in my ear If you loved me you would.... And I do so i try harder. I know as I try to pull ED closer, My family is pushed further away.I know ED is making me choose, I cant have both. I cant enjoy my life and love my children and husband the way they should be loved. I cant be fully present with them, and also be fully entrenched with him. He tells me if I do exactly as he says, he will love me, I will finally be perfect, I will finally look in the mirror and be flawless in his eyes.

I have learned to live with ED's anger. If I fail to please him, he tells me Im stupid, lazy, Im fat, and I have no self control. I know he is right, I know I have let him and myself down, and I promise to be better.I know I cannot trust my own judgement and rely on his criticism to set me back on the right path. Some days I tire of being told im bad that no one will ever love me the way I am, and I fight back, I tell him he is wrong that I hate him and I wish he would go away. For a few days I succeed at ignoring him. I make promises to my family and friends to not go back, that I dont need him, that im better off with out him. But then I get scared, I panic at the thought of not having him in my life anymore. I realize im nothing with out him.

So I return to him, to what I know. as much as he makes me feel bad, he also makes me feel good, even superior at times. Ed was there when everyone else was missing, he was there when i was hurting, he filled that hole of nothingness. He is my buffer against the world. I feel protected in his embrace.

I know he has others, I know they too long for ED's love. We all are Dying to hear ED tell us he loves us. Everyday we starve, we binge, purge, overexercise, all in his name. Sometimes we come together and talk about him, we say hes no good for us, we make promises to help each other, we beg each other to to leave him. But then when we are alone and think about it, we realize we made promises we cant keep. Its too hard, too scary to give him up, so we then carry the shame of betraying those who also know ED so well. We smile and say we are doing better, its hard, but we can pull thru if we stick together. ED has once again manipulated us all. He will even use us against each other, he knows as long as we continue to believe his lies, we will never leave him.

So I sit here still wishing for ED to love me, I push myself harder, I promise him and myself I wont give up, I will do what ever it takes to finally be perfect. I will never get him to say it, none of us will ever hear it, I know that to be true. We know what we are doing is sensless, but we can't stop, we all are literally killing ourselves for ED, and sadly thats exactly what he wants.

Jane Doe said...

Thank you for coming here and reading my blog. It means a lot to me. And thank you for sharing your struggles. When I read this, I felt as if I had written it myself. This is how I feel.
Thank you