11.2.09

Losing It....Whatever 'It" is

I painted this picture when I was 11, and found it today as I was fumbling through some old journals of mine. And no, it's not a self portrait... Thank goodness. It's sad really, looking at it made me long for change, for freedom... for SOMETHING. I have NEVER felt normal, and by normal I mean I have never felt like I was a "normal size" I have been obese in my mind my entire life.... When in reality, I weigh just over 100 pounds. Why would an ELEVEN year old have such a sad outlook, such a distorted view on her body?

I'll let you in on a secret for all of you fathers or future fathers.
It was my dad. In saying this, I realize that I make my own choices now, and that he was only the start of this path to nowhere.

I remember stepping on the scale. My dad, a local artist, had just bought a honey bee factory to house all of his artwork and supplies. In the waxy smelling barn type building were countless trinkets left by the previous owner. One of these was an antique scale. My dad, who had brought my grandma and aunt to see his new purchase had me step on the scale to show them how neat it was. I was in 5th grade at the time. The hand slowly rounded the dial and pointed to 116. My dads jaw dropped, and what he said next will forever play in my head when I get on a scale "oh my gosh, you weigh over 100 POUNDS?!"
Embarrassed and confused I stepped away from the group and found a place in the dusty rafters to cry. My brothers, who would follow my dads example would make comments like "you are fat and ugly, and no one will ever want to marry you. No one could ever love you etc. etc."

My dad was always concerned with how "fat" his girls were (there are 5 of us). This is because my mom is obese. She wasn't always this way though. When my parents were married my mom was super thin, and she continued to be until she had her 7th baby. My dad would always make comments about how mom was fat, and how if we ate too much we would look like her. I remember having a bowl of mashed potatoes once, and my dad commenting on how I shouldn't eat it because I was going to gain weight. I began to be embarrassed of eating food in front of anyone, especially my dad. He would often tell me to get outside and go running. Perhaps this is why I absolutely Despise myself if I miss a workout.... Somehow I always feel like less of a person, and more of a failure when I don't workout. I began running every night in junior high. I would run 4 miles away from home so I would be forced to run the 4 miles back. 8 miles a night, every night including Sundays I would run.... I would run away from the failure I would feel, from this picture I had in my head of myself as a fat lonely old woman.... I could really go on for hours about all of the things which have brought me to this point, but I have things to do. For now, I am sick of waking up in the morning and hating the person that I see.

For all of you dads out there, please be careful with the tender spirits of your children. Let them know that your love is unconditional.... And that size does NOT matter.

3 comments:

bookofsecret7 said...

lol so you have single friends...lol hmmmm...i like the sound of that!! and yes seattle women are mean..i mean seattle girls are mean..lol tonight is karaoke night..lol this will be fun..so what have you been up to?

Committed to Change said...

i promise i'll be careful... when the time comes. though. on the brighter-ish side of things,that picture is very creative and well done for 11. ever think about picking it up again?

Jane Doe said...

I do draw, and paint every now and then when I get a hankering to.

Thanks for your comments. It's nice to know that people actually see what I write!