I Quit

So, I quit. I quit today, tomorrow and the day after. I am so tired of life right now. I am calling it quits. No I am not doing anything stupid like ending it completely. I just need a break. A break from everything.... So I am taking a break from blogging, housework, laundry, showers, church, family...... EVERYTHING. I think I'm going a little crazy.... But I think I am entitled to a little bit of crazy. The end.

Turtle

I really liked this video. Thought that it was cute. .. Mostly I like the song.... So, here ya'll are. A fun turtle song

Playing With Boxes

I am longing for the simple life this morning.

When the 7 of us were growing up we had very little money. Because of this we made fun with what we had. We would turn the stairs into a slide by hopping in sleeping bags and sliding down. We turned the living room into a fort by taking the cushions off of the couches, stacking them by each other, and covering them with a sheet to make a roof. If all else failed there were always empty boxes laying around. We would have box races. We would all hop in our own box and scoot across the floor as fast as we could to the other side of the room. Here is a picture after such a race. These are my 3 oldest sisters, and in the background is one of my brothers.

I was thinking this morning how nice it would be to not have to worry about anything more than who would be the winner of a box race, or whose turn it was to slide down the stairs next. I guess you could say that I am feeling a little nostalgic today, and I am missing the more simple things in life. The simple things which are all too often set aside for the necessary like work, cleaning, exercise, etc.

Maybe today I'll play with some boxes and skip my daily torture session at the gym. That sounds heavenly.

Losing It....Whatever 'It" is

I painted this picture when I was 11, and found it today as I was fumbling through some old journals of mine. And no, it's not a self portrait... Thank goodness. It's sad really, looking at it made me long for change, for freedom... for SOMETHING. I have NEVER felt normal, and by normal I mean I have never felt like I was a "normal size" I have been obese in my mind my entire life.... When in reality, I weigh just over 100 pounds. Why would an ELEVEN year old have such a sad outlook, such a distorted view on her body?

I'll let you in on a secret for all of you fathers or future fathers.
It was my dad. In saying this, I realize that I make my own choices now, and that he was only the start of this path to nowhere.

I remember stepping on the scale. My dad, a local artist, had just bought a honey bee factory to house all of his artwork and supplies. In the waxy smelling barn type building were countless trinkets left by the previous owner. One of these was an antique scale. My dad, who had brought my grandma and aunt to see his new purchase had me step on the scale to show them how neat it was. I was in 5th grade at the time. The hand slowly rounded the dial and pointed to 116. My dads jaw dropped, and what he said next will forever play in my head when I get on a scale "oh my gosh, you weigh over 100 POUNDS?!"
Embarrassed and confused I stepped away from the group and found a place in the dusty rafters to cry. My brothers, who would follow my dads example would make comments like "you are fat and ugly, and no one will ever want to marry you. No one could ever love you etc. etc."

My dad was always concerned with how "fat" his girls were (there are 5 of us). This is because my mom is obese. She wasn't always this way though. When my parents were married my mom was super thin, and she continued to be until she had her 7th baby. My dad would always make comments about how mom was fat, and how if we ate too much we would look like her. I remember having a bowl of mashed potatoes once, and my dad commenting on how I shouldn't eat it because I was going to gain weight. I began to be embarrassed of eating food in front of anyone, especially my dad. He would often tell me to get outside and go running. Perhaps this is why I absolutely Despise myself if I miss a workout.... Somehow I always feel like less of a person, and more of a failure when I don't workout. I began running every night in junior high. I would run 4 miles away from home so I would be forced to run the 4 miles back. 8 miles a night, every night including Sundays I would run.... I would run away from the failure I would feel, from this picture I had in my head of myself as a fat lonely old woman.... I could really go on for hours about all of the things which have brought me to this point, but I have things to do. For now, I am sick of waking up in the morning and hating the person that I see.

For all of you dads out there, please be careful with the tender spirits of your children. Let them know that your love is unconditional.... And that size does NOT matter.

Testing Testing 123

COMPUTER CRASH! Bad day today, as you may have already ascertained. My computer decided to catch a few bugs and is under the weather. So no new pictures of the "Daily Find" today. Hopefully the ol' guy will be doctored tomorrow, and I'll be up and running again tomorrow.

I'm on my husbands laptop--The slugs are courtesy of John Doe, one of his recent caving trips. Computer or not every blog needs a little color--This is stressful. I am so paranoid that he will find my "Uncensored Mind" and then I would lose my freedom to write what I wish without trying to sugar coat things. It's interesting the way we are as humans. We go throughout our lives looking for meaning, for truth, for sincerity from others.... Yet we spend so much time hiding that truth. We hide the things we think others will fear or disapprove of, the things that are considered to be socially wrong... The list of things we hide is endless, and the list of why we hide them is longer. So just for fun I am going to divulge something I hide from others at the end of my posts.

Numero Uno- I shaved my head, then followed that with purple hair dye when I was 15. I looked like a boy and was often referred to as "the little brother". The only thing my mom said was "at least you have a nice shaped head." I thought that I was a "punk rocker", when in reality I was just.... Stupid. The End.

Not Nearly as Glamorous....

Yes... a pinecone. sigh. I realized today that unless I run into more interesting things on my runs that my "daily find" thing won't last very long. Today, as you can see wasn't a great day for finding a treasure. Just not my day I guess.... Not saying that pinecones aren't exciting, afterall pine trees sprout from them. Anyway, I have reconsidered doing this every day, and I have decided to only post when I find something noteworthy.

Thought for the day: Sometimes what seems to be simple on the outside is really very magnificent.

Oh Din-o-saur

I went on a 9 mile run this morning... OUTSIDE!
This was the first day that it has been warm enough for me to actually want to run outside, although it still only got up to 35 I was OK with this because I really didn't want to run 9 miles on a treadmill. Do you have any idea how boring that is? Last week I did 8 miles on the treadmill at the gym and hated every minute of it. There just isn't enough to keep me entertained. I never watch the TV at the gym either, just listen to music. Those boob tubes that hang from the ceiling just don't do it for me. I like to see things, contemplate my direction in my day/life.. This is what I did today. As I ran I thought about random events which have brought me to this point in my life. I think so clearly as I run, and I am able to sort out all of the clutter which builds up from time to time. Trouble is... when I stop running I often forget all the things I had thought about... (ADD?)
So I have decided that I am going to make each run more memorable. I am going to bring back one daily find (something that I found while running) and post a thought or two I had along with my "treasure" on this little bloggy-thingy I have going.

So here goes the first daily find. I found this little guy laying on the side of the long canyon road I ran. He was just sitting there all extinct looking, I'm sure he had been rolled over by quite a few minivans. I would like to think I saved his life, and he is in debt to me. After all it's quite nice to have a dinosaur in your corner, might come in handy. Anyway, as I ran this long stretch of road I counted a total of 5 dead deer, all of which I'm sure had been rolled over by a a few minivans as well. It was a very sickening sight. It made me think about this little green guy I held in my hand, and how the dinosaurs actually became extinct. Maybe it was actually a very large Dodge Caravan.

Despite the deer, I LOVED the run today. I really have missed running outside, and I can't wait for the Spring to roll around so I can run outside daily.